01 Nov

Relationships. Did you know?

Family Costellations - Relationship Problems

Did you know that …

The ones who want nothing for themselves and only do everything for others – they destroy the relationship in a couple.

The ones who always forgive – this is, again, they destroy relationships.

“I did everything for him/her!”, “They have never argued, and then suddenly – divorce” and so on. These are very common situations.

Bert Hellinger, the author of the method of family constellations, discovered quite a lot of unexpected things. For example, for the relationship in a couple to be successful, must be a balance between “taking” – “giving,” and exchanging in good should grow. He also introduced the concept of “paying back with love.”

Balance Between the Taking and Giving. If your partner has done something good to you, it is quite natural desire to return him something good back. The fact is that taking is much harder than giving because when taking you become dependent. Giving – it is much easier, because when giving you stand above the other. If a person does not know how to take, but only shares with the partner, he/she, in fact, does not respect the partner. Moreover, such relations are not possible between adults. This is only possible between parents and children. Although adults often behave this way. To take and to give is a great art.

Increasing Exchange in Good. If your partner did something good to you, you do something good in response to it, only a little more than he/she did to you. This helps relationships grow. If the relationship does not grow, it does not develop – it is stagnant. Such a relationship can end.

Paying Back with Love. Paying back with love Hellinger calls the following: if your partner did something bad to you, then do something bad in response to to it, but less. Not responding or repaying stronger – it destroys relationships. For example: the husband returned home very late, his wife said that she wants to divorce. This is the way to destroy the relationship, as she returned more of the bad. If she asked him, for example, to bring her favorite ice cream from the other end of the city – this is a pay back with love 🙂

The Reasons for Difficulties in Relationships. The reasons are often located in the partners’ past or in their families’ past. Constellation work is very well suited for working with difficult situations in families. The reasons for difficulties in relationships are usually located not where people expected.

Elena Nesterenko, Family & Systemic Constellations
www.constellations.work/workshops | (647) 367-6073