Problem Children, Who are They? And if This are Them Who are Problem?
I’d like to share some information on this topic from the point of view of the family and systemic constellations method by Bert Hellinger. This method often offers a lot of unexpected insights. Here are a few of them on the subject of problem children:
Children are Saving Their Parents, Especially Their Mom. For the sake of their parents, especially for the mother, the children are ready to sacrifice everything. Literally. This phenomenon is so-called a blind children’s love. So when there is something wrong with the mother (children feel it!), they are trying to help. For example, the child decides that he/she needs to be with the mother at all times, to watch her so she is safe. To achieve this, the child might decide not to go to kindergarten or school. The child, for example, might start getting ill often to stay with his mother at home. The child may simply refuse going to school, and if he/she agrees to go, at school there are usually problems with this child (for example, ADHD syndrome), because the child’s soul is with the mother, with her problems.
Children are Showing the Problems of the Family. If a child’s behavior is “bad” (he/she does not listen, is restless, angry, aggressive, and so on), then in most cases the problem is not in the child. Bert Hellinger says: “Children are always good.” Yes, that’s how it is. Children behave “badly” because of the same blind children’s love. This love is directed at someone in the family, someone, who is really in problem. Children show very well what kind of a problem is in the family.
Problem Children, Who are They? And if This are Them Who are Problem? Problem children are just kids, who out of their blind love point to the problem in the family, and they not just point, they try to take it upon themselves, which creates even more problems. Problem are, usually, not children, but adults. Adults, who have experienced some trauma (trauma could have occurred generations ago). Any attempts of getting kids to behave “well” do not succeed as the root of the problem temains unreached. Constellations work by Bert Hellinger reveals the hidden dynamics in the family. Most of the constellations sessions, when parents complain about the problems with the child, usually show that the child has absolutely nothing to do with it, these are the parents or someone else in the family, who have a problem. The more adults work on their problems, the easier it is for the children.
A Few Examples. Fears and depression in children may be related to abortions in the family. A child may be aggressive at school or being a victim of bullying if one of his parents is aggressive. Any attempts by parents to control their aggression do not succeed because aggression does not go away, it is only being suppressed, remaining in the family system. Addiction to drugs or smoking in teenagers is often due to lack of relationship with the father, when the mother does not respect the child’s father and does not allow the child to love the father. A child may not be successful in learning, not reaching any goals, if he/she was born by c-section. There are many more examples to it, each case is unique. These are just a few common situations.
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Elena Nesterenko – Family & Systemic Constellations Workshops