Human beings are social creatures. We cannot exist separately from other people. Therefore we form systems (families, villages, cities, countries, institutions, political parties, religion and so on). With our best or worse intentions, or naturally we create groups. We might want to be with someone we love, or we might want to become stronger so we can protect ourselves, or we might want to influence some other groups, or we might want to make money, spread knowledge – many reasons. As a result those groups begin to live their own lives.
Systems live their own lives and influence its members.
They influence us and the stronger the group is the stronger is its influence.
Strong System – Weak Members
For the beginning let’s look at systems in general. I am talking about systems formed by people, about social formations.
And here are the two simple observations:
Strong System – Weak Members.
The stronger the system is the weaker the people are in it.
Stronger systems offer more support to its members so the members rely on this support more. The pay for it is losing personal power as for the good life, health and so on people rely on the system.
Weak System – The Strongest Survive.
The weaker the system is the more its members have to rely on their own qualities. So, only the strongest survive. There is much less comfort and more challenge but there are more opportunities for the personal growth.
Life is About Balance
Life is about balance. Anything that is out of balance is either looking for it or is going to “fall”. If the system is way to strong and its members are way too weak this might not survive. There is that balance between the strength of the system and your personal strength. This balance is good for both – the system and the members. In this balanced state you keep some of your personal power to yourself and some you give to the system. This is your own responsibility to learn maintaining your own power and decide what is for you and what you share.
Some of your personal power you keep to yourself and some you give to the system. This is your personal responsibility to maintain this balance.
The system in turn serves you by offering protection and other resources.
Out of Balance? Poor Life
As children we really depend a lot on out closest system, our family. This is the reason why children are ready to sacrifice anything to their family, especially to their mother. But the more adults we become the less we need from the family to survive. As adults we have to learn this new way of balancing our power by keeping some power to ourselves and giving some to the family. Many people even being physically grown still remain in that childish state. And this causes lots of issues in life by negatively affecting our relationships with the partner, the children, work, health and so on.
For an adult remaining in the childish state is being out of balance. Children give their power to the family.
For an adult remaining in that childish state is being out of balance, is not being able to take your proper place in life as a partner, parent, employee. And magically when out of balance you attract people who look at you and say, for example: I can do this better, I am a better parent for your child and so on.
In family constellations there are tons of examples on that.
For example, the family system might have a member who is against you, like an ex-partner of your spouse. An ex-wife, for example, might want a place of the existing wife and this will badly affect the relationship with the husband and the daughter. But if the current wife is in a good balance with her family system she will be able to hold her space as a wife and a mother.
How to Find that Balance
The most popular place to fail with your balance is your attitude to your mother. According to Bert Hellinger this is more than 80% of all cases. Then it is your attitude to your father, then to your past and your family past. Number one: you need to take your correct place in your family system.
#1 You take your correct place in your family system.
What is this correct place? You are a child and only a child towards your ancestors. And past belongs to the past. Your life is happening TODAY. If you respect your ancestors and their destinies this will give you strength.
Number two: you grow.
#2 You grow.
My personal opinion is if you do not lean on you family system too much your relationship with it will be good. At certain point as an adult you have to stop demanding anything from your family and move on your own. You pay your respect and your gratitude to your ancestors and they give you power.
When you are in a good balance with your family system you are very well grounded. And no “bad” energies will be able to enter your field. Also by being grounded you get good connection to life. And life… it is full of opportunities which you can only see when you are very well connected to it.
Life is full of opportunities which you can only see when you are very well connected to it.
There is more to this topic during my workshops.
By Elena Nesterenko – Family & Systemic Constellations Facilitator